This HPDE write up is a little different than the other write-ups. This piece is more of an emotional peace. I didn't write down any stats like I usually do.
It's been 5 months since I have been out on the race track. I was sooo excited and couldn't wait to get back out there. But over the winter the Subie didn't fair well. First off I ripped off the front bumper and side skirts on a mound of snow. I was afraid that out on the race track the bumper would fly off and I would end up crashing or causing someone else to crash. I was seriously afraid I was going to die out there. But it wasn'st just the bumper that me feel uncomfortable.
It was weird for me to feel this way because even after the accident I never felt like this. I didn't think anything bad was going to happen to me when I went out to the track a month after the accident. But not this time. I wasn't as confident as I was last October. I was scared to push beyond the limits of my car. What happened to my fearlessness?
I was on UMC's (formerly known as Miller Motorsports) East Track, it's a more technical track. I felt like if I had pedal down to the ground on corners 2, 3, and 4 I would most certainly spin out or crash. I had Matt Guiver with me to see if I could move up to HPDE 4. He is the Co-regional Director of Utah NASA. He was amazing in giving me feedback. He pushed me out of my comfort zone. He definitely made me go faster than I ever have. But I was terrified, terrified to spin out. I don't know where this fear was coming from. I almost spun out like 5 times. Something I haven't done since getting the new suspension. He said I wasn't ready to move onto HPDE 4 until I worked on mid-corner speeds, unwinding the wheel more, and hitting the APEX even though you can't see the exit. The truth was I was scared to make the car go faster because I wasn't mentally ready.
Today when I thought about what happened I got emotional and started to cry. I thought to myself why didn't I push myself? I could have done so much better, been so much faster. I don't know why I am not trusting me and the car. It's like I am afraid to let go. Let go of what? I don't know. I don't want to blame it on the crash because I feel that I should be stronger than that. I feel that I should take it as a lesson learned and move on. But lately I am worried to get in another accident, I don't want another TBI in less than 7 months.
Having a TBI was an emotional healing process for me. My thoughts were not all there. My speech was slurred and I would say things backwards. My spelling was backwards and sentences too. I felt high and not able to focus. I felt slow and dumb. I couldn't remember things. I don't want to feel that way again. I am super cautious in protecting my brain now.
Even right now I feel sad almost grieving, like I lost some part of myself I will never regain.
